Becoming a father

zhangyl

If you just got the news that your partner is pregnant, chances are that you're experiencing a rush of emotions. Maybe it's all happiness and excitement. But the reality is that for many first-time dads there are a whole lot of other feelings to deal with, too.


If you feel shocked, panicked, overwhelmed, scared, or like you're just not ready for this, you're not alone. Like any major life change, this is going to require a major adjustment. And if the pregnancy wasn't planned - half of all pregnancies aren't - you may be feeling these emotions in an even more intense way.


You don't have to feel guilty or anxious about having these mixed emotions; it's completely normal. Although you can't prevent these feelings, there are steps you can take to get more comfortable with the pregnancy, the idea of parenthood, and the preparations that can make both go as smoothly as possible.


Sweating the Details


Fatherhood can be particularly daunting at the beginning of the pregnancy. Maybe every time you think about it, the worst-case scenario pops to mind.

Here are a few of the details that you may be sweating right off the bat, and a few ideas to help keep things in perspective.

zhangyl

Will I be able to care for a baby?

No one is born knowing this stuff - not even your pregnant partner - that's why there are childbirth classes. Depending on what's available in your area, you can take pregnancy classes as early as the 12th week of pregnancy. There are also classes that focus just on the day of labor, which can be taken as late as the eighth month of pregnancy. In some communities, there are even classes that are designed just for first-time dads.

In many of these classes, you'll learn how to change a diaper, hold the baby, feed and burp the baby, put the baby to sleep, install a car seat, and childproof your home. You'll also learn where to park your car when you get to the hospital, how to get through labor, and how to care for your child and your partner when you get home from the hospital.

Along with the lessons, you'll likely meet other guys who are going through the same experience. And they may be dealing with some of the same feelings you are. That may be a huge help. The nurses and childbirth educators who lead these classes have seen dads who are in emotional states that are all over the map, so you don't have to feel embarrassed or hesitant about going to them for help.

zhangyl

How will I know how to be a good dad?

Remember that you're not going to have to tackle every part of fatherhood all at once. For the first few years, a lot of the parenting is going to involve skills that you can learn and improve through practice. You can learn a lot of these skills in childbirth classes.

It's like a lot of other new roles that you have taken on in your life. When you got married, you didn't automatically know how to be a good husband. You learned along the way with your partner, in the way that worked for you both.

You have plenty of time before you are going to have to be setting curfews, teaching your child to drive, and doling out ethical guidance and relationship and career advice. All of these opportunities for teaching your child will come up one at a time, and when they do, they will likely feel like a natural progression. If you need guidance, there are plenty of resources in the community, and there are even parenting classes.
It may help to talk to and spend time with other fathers you know and talk about any issues you may be grappling with. If you feel like you have issues about your own father that you need to work through, it's a good idea to talk with someone - maybe a counselor or a family member - about them before the baby is born, so that they don't get in the way of your relationship with your own child.

zhangyl

How are we going to afford this?

Feeding, clothing, and educating another human being is going to cost money that's now being spent on other things - there's no question about it. But there are things you can do to reduce your stress about the finances.

It may help to get a sense of what your costs will be right after the baby is born. Your health insurer, employer, or your partner's employer may be able to give you a sense of the costs and what will be covered. Many workplaces now allow for some paid paternity leave for fathers, so you may want to inquire about that.

You may want to meet with a financial planner to get some money-management guidance.

You may also want to talk to other new parents who live in your community to get an idea of how they managed and where any unexpected expenses cropped up.

You can open a college fund - or any kind of bank account - any time to save up for any of your new child's expenses. You may want to start putting away a few dollars each week to fund items like child care and diapers. That way, the day your child arrives in the world, you'll have a head start on meeting all of his or her financial needs.

Remember there will be a lot of expenses for your partner's pregnancy and new child you won't have to pay for. For instance, if you and your partner decide to breastfeed, you will save money on the cost of feeding your baby for the first few months. Also, many families share maternity and baby clothes because pregnant women - and new babies - wear a particular size of clothes for such a short period of time.

zhangyl

Is this the end of my independence?

Fatherhood doesn't have to spell the end of activities that bring you enjoyment. True, you may not get much sleep or time for yourself during the first few months after your child is born before he or she starts to sleep through the night. But eventually it will happen. As the baby sleeps more, you and your partner will have opportunities to do the activities that you enjoy, together and individually. Again, it's important to work together, communicate, and trade off on the child-care responsibilities so that you each get what you need.

Also, remember that in the first few years of life, you will likely be able to include your child in the activities that you enjoy. There will be times when your child will be able to sit with you while you watch a basketball game or while you read the newspaper or a book aloud. There are even special baby carriers that will enable you to take your baby on walks and hikes.

It's a good idea to get to know other people who have recently had babies. They may be able to give you more perspective on this.
Remember that it's easy to imagine - and fear - all the free time you may be losing out on when your baby arrives. But you have to wait until your child is born to find out how much you will enjoy spending time with him or her.

zhangyl

How will this change our marriage and sex life?

While your partner is pregnant she is going to be experiencing huge physical, hormonal, and emotional changes, while also grappling with the same life changes that you are. As she deals with these changes, it may affect both of your moods.

Moodiness can be tough to deal with no matter what the cause. But your patience and understanding can go a long way. Any hormonal changes that pregnant women tend to experience typically stabilize by the fourth month of pregnancy. You may be able to help her work through any stress she might be feeling about the pregnancy and parenthood.
If you're not feeling stable or good about your relationship with your partner, it's a good idea to work through the issues as soon as possible. Many couples mistakenly think that a baby will bring them together. But a baby can't fix a relationship that is falling apart - that's the job of you and your partner. And the sooner you resolve any issues, or find a way to work together, the sooner you're going to feel more comfortable with your impending parenthood.

There are safe ways to have sex during pregnancy, as long as the pregnancy is considered low risk for complications of miscarriage or preterm labor. It's a good idea to talk to your doctor, nurse-midwife, or other health care provider about any risks that may be relevant to you and your partner. You don't have to feel embarrassed about asking these questions; these health care providers are used to fielding them. As with any other aspect of pregnancy, it's important for you and your partner to speak openly about what feels right for each of you.

Of course, just because sex is safe during pregnancy doesn't mean you and your partner will want to have it. Many couples find that their sex drive - and comfort level - fluctuates during the different stages of pregnancy as both of them get used to all of the changes. Again, it's important to keep the lines of communication open.

zhangyl

How am I going to get through labor?

As far as the gross-out factor goes, there's no rule that says that you must be there to catch the baby when he or she emerges, cut the umbilical cord, or even be in the delivery room. In fact, in childbirth classes, you'll likely learn about massage and pain-management techniques where you can stand with your partner at her head and shoulders while she is pushing. As you learn about this, it's a good idea to talk to your partner about what you each feel comfortable with.
It's common to fear fainting, but the truth is that few men do. In fact, many men come out of it thinking that there's much less blood in the process than they expected!

People may say that "the woman does all the work" of giving birth to the baby, but you, as the partner, still have some crucial parts to play in the process. Your partner will need someone to look out for her interests and needs. Long before the baby's expected due date, it's important to discuss your partner's preferences for any pain management, medication, and treatment so that when the baby comes, you can articulate your mutual wishes if your partner is unable to do so. You will also be the liaison between your partner and your families during the process.

zhangyl

What if something goes wrong?

Your doctor will probably warn you about a laundry list of things that can go wrong, particularly if you and your partner are older. And it's likely that you and your partner will have various tests and screenings for birth defects and other health problems. Hearing about all of this can be very frightening.

Yes, there are things that can go wrong. But there are many things you can do to help your partner - and your unborn baby - stay healthy during the pregnancy.

zhangyl

What You Can Do

As you're dealing with all of the stress about fatherhood, there are things you can do to help this scary, abstract prospect seem more real and manageable.

If you know other families with newborns and young kids, it may be helpful to spend time with them. If you don't know anyone with a newborn, your partner's doctor or your local childbirth center may be able to put you in touch with other families in your area.

It's also a good idea to go with your partner to any doctor appointments that relate to the baby. There you will be able to ask the doctors any questions, gather more information, hear the baby's heartbeat, and see an image of the baby on a sonogram. You may also want to tour the maternity ward at the hospital or birthing center where you plan to have the baby.

It may also help you to start preparing your home for the baby by making any needed home improvements or renovations. That way, you can use the skills you already have to help take care of the baby.

Remember that anxiety about pregnancy and parenthood is like anxiety you might feel about anything else. It's a good idea to execute the stress-relief strategies that work for you. It may be exercise or immersion in movies, books, music, or sports. Any constructive strategy you have that effectively helps you cope with tension can't hurt here.

zhangyl

Talking About It

Communication can be a big obstacle for couples who are expecting. Even before the pregnant mother begins to show, she is consumed by physical reminders that the baby is on the way and life is going to change dramatically, so she may want to talk about the pregnancy a lot. But you may need time to intellectually and emotionally process this change. And you may not be ready to talk about the baby or the pregnancy.

If you're not ready to talk with your partner, there are plenty of other options. You may feel more comfortable confiding in friends, relatives, and other new dads. They may be able to reassure you and provide some helpful suggestions.

Lots of hospitals and childbirth centers also have professionals who are experienced in working with new parents and are available to talk in a confidential setting.

Remember that millions of guys have been experiencing - and surviving - fatherhood for millions of years. There's no magic elixir that you have to drink to be a good father, there's no secret handshake, and you're not supposed to just instinctively know how to be a good dad. There are things you can do to prepare for fatherhood and much of it will be on-the-job training. Luckily, there are many resources that can help you get through this. All you have to do is reach out for them.

Reviewed by: Barbara P. Homeier, MD
Date reviewed: May 2005

Ruibin

zhangyl

Post by Ruibin;733140

瑞侠！

zhangyl

怀孕，似乎天经地义是妈妈的事情。几乎没有哪个妈妈会相信爸爸对此也能真正身临其境。事实上也正是如此。作为未来的爸爸，我们会讨论妻子怀孕的事情，我们对此不但兴致勃勃，而且还会在可能的范围内设身处地地想象妻子的感觉。我们甚至还会去读，至少会读一点这方面的资料。但是，实事求是地说，我们对于“孕育宝宝”这个概念还是相当模糊的，直到我们真切地体验诸如给宝宝换尿布，以及半夜被宝宝的哭闹声吵醒时，这种情况才会有所改善。确实没有一个爸爸，能够真正体会妈妈怀孕时的感觉，因为那是只有与宝宝心贴心、时时刻刻感受宝宝在肚子里的踢腾才会拥有的感觉。

　　虽然困难，但我们还是能够参与其中的。我们可以守候在妻子身边，倾听宝宝的第一声心跳，我们可以戒掉以前每餐必喝的小酒，我们可以钻研着给宝宝起名。未来的爸爸能做的事情有很多，下面是一些让你与妻子一起分享怀孕感觉的方法。



关注




　　尽管你自己不能怀孕，但还是可以作为一个积极的观察者参与其中。让你的妻子知道你喜欢看着她的肚子一天天隆起，把头贴在她的肚子上，亲身感受一下宝宝踢你的感觉。为你的宝宝放音乐，给他讲故事听。坚持写爸爸日记，这不仅可以让你记录下自己内心的感受，也可以帮助你想想该和宝宝妈妈商量的事情。记录下整个孕期中宝宝的生长情况，毫无疑问，所有的一切，都会让你倍感惊奇。



陪同守候




                document.write('');       

　　尽量陪你的妻子去接受诸多的产前检查，或者至少要陪她去几次，提醒你的妻子她需要向医生提出的问题，这才能表示你是真正参与其中的，而不仅仅是个旁观者。如果你的妻子需要做羊膜穿刺，或是其他针对胎儿出生缺陷的筛查，那么你一定要全程陪同。我们就知道一个爸爸在这样一项检查时没有到场，而他5年后还会不断为此受到责备。当然，你还要参加产妇培训班，这样，在你的宝宝降生时，你也可以为宝宝的妈妈分担些什么。




让自己也变得更健康




　　在你的妻子努力调整自己的饮食、戒酒、多喝水的同时，你也可以通过陪着她一起做这些生活方式上的改变，来给她以支持和鼓励。你要戒除那些对宝宝有害的食物，因为这些食物会诱惑宝宝的妈妈。你自己少喝酒或干脆戒掉、不吸烟。多花些时间陪她散步或做运动。尽量减少在办公室工作的时间，多在家里和宝宝的妈妈待在一起。



爱她不断变化的身体




　　每个月为你亲爱的妻子照侧身像，记录她身形的变化。你也要理解，随着孕期的增长，她有时会觉得自己不好看了。就算你真的也是这样想，可千万还是不能让她知道。你要不断地告诉她——她很漂亮迷人。此外，你会发现你们的性生活也在一段时期内减少了。由于妻子体内荷尔蒙的变化、她的背部疼痛、孕吐，以及她对于生活中的种种变化的担忧，所有这一切都使得你们几乎无暇享受性生活了。



多为她付出一点




　　你妻子的要求可能会越来越多了，尽量满足她吧。她每天挺着个大肚子已经够累的了。你至少可以做到去商店采购日用品、买花来送给她。或者如果她晚上11点突然想吃农家干酪和草莓酱，那么别生气，乖乖地满足她的要求，再纵容一下她吧！



记得去医院的路




　　这件事似乎根本就不成问题，但除非你在出差，否则一旦你的妻子破水临产，你就得马上送她去医院分娩。这时候，你的大脑记忆一般都会短路的。所以你最好预先走一次，以保证你自己确定无疑地记住了那条路。你的妻子会因此感谢你的，因为这样她担心的事又少了一件。



和妻子一起分担生产过程




　　中国现在有些医院已经允许丈夫走进产房了，所以如果你也符合条件可以这么做的话，那么一定要做好准备照顾你的妻子。录下她想在生产过程中听的音乐，为她准备一些能够分散她注意力的东西带到医院；随时准备着拥抱她、教她放松，安慰她、为她按摩，给她喝水。如果你愿意的话，你可以问问医生或助产士能不能让你亲自给宝宝“接生”。也就是说在宝宝从产道中出来的时候，由你来接住他，并为他剪断脐带。



和妻子一块儿购物、讨论细节，一起做决定




　　在你的宝宝出生前，你和妻子就应该做好很多准备工作了：为他购买婴儿服装、准备婴儿房或婴儿床；买好婴儿座椅并安装在车上；为宝宝准备好几个备选的名字，男孩名和女孩名都要有；你们要决定是母乳喂养还是使用奶瓶，是用尿布还是纸尿裤。你还以为你会没事可做吗？就算以后你们会改变主意，至少现在应该开始讨论这些问题了。



为你家人的新生活做好准备




　　如果你以前没有办理，那么现在你就该为自己上一份人寿保险了。同时，为你的宝宝设立上学基金账户。计划休男方产假，这样你就可以在宝宝降生后的几周内，和其他家人一起照顾他了。确保家里的一切设施对宝宝来说都是安全的。另外，不要忘记一些小事，比如：收集所有你爱吃的餐馆的外送点餐单，放在方便取阅的纸夹中，今后连你自己都会觉得吃惊，竟然需要如此频繁地用到它们。还有，给你妻子买份她永远都会记得的礼物，要知道，她马上就要先送给你一件弥足珍贵的礼物——你的宝宝了啊！

zhangyl

对准爸爸助产的十大建议


对绝大多数准爸爸来说，最难受的莫过于看着自己的妻子生产时被疼痛折磨的样子而不知道怎样去帮助她。当然，宝宝的出生也是他们生命中最震撼和最满足的时刻之一。那么如何让自己成为妻子梦寐以求的体贴“分娩教练”，帮助她度过这段非常时期呢，下面我们提供十点建议帮你做好准备：



1. 了解相关知识




　　临产时分不该是准爸爸匆忙翻阅孕期书籍，或查阅分娩课程笔记的时候，这些事你应当在宝宝出生前早早做好。如果条件允许，你应该带着开放、接受的心态去和妻子一起参加产前辅导班，在那里你可以了解到有关生产的各种可靠的基础知识，同时，也可以了解其他准爸爸是怎样计划度过这个重要时刻的。当然，你也可以通过看书、上网了解这些知识。



2. 做好等待的准备




                document.write('');       

　　与电影中我们经常看到的情况不同，大多数准妈妈在进入医院之前，产程就已经开始几个小时了。事实上，很多夫妇都觉得，分娩的早期在家里度过对她们来说要舒服得多。此外，有些医院也会等到准妈妈宫缩变得有规律，即差不多每5分钟一次的时候，才为她办理入院手续。这时，你可以想办法帮助准妈妈放松心情，比如陪她看看电视、散散步或搂着她在床上休息一会儿。你需要暂时放下手头哪怕再着急的工作，撇开家务琐事，专心地陪着妻子度过难熬的待产时光。




3. 灵活变通




　　你可能会发现，有些对其他准妈妈有效的产程方案，也许对你的妻子并不太适合。早在宝宝出生之前，你就应该找个时间和妻子好好讨论一下她的各种期望和想法。等分娩来临时，你就可以按照妻子的心愿主动去执行这些措施了。不过,你也要做好改变方案的准备，作为一名“分娩教练”，你最重要的一部分工作就是随时判断哪些做法管用，哪些做法不管用。



4. 不要在意妻子的“拒绝”




　　分娩过程中，你的妻子可能完全进入了她自己的世界。要知道，生产是一个漫长而艰辛的过程，有些准妈妈靠自己鼓励自己来对付临产的剧痛。有时，准妈妈也可能会变得急躁易怒，变化无常。比如，分娩刚开始时，她也许很喜欢你为她按摩，但她很快又表示你的触摸令她无法忍受，而且这种变化来得令你毫无心理准备！在这种时刻，最重要的一点是，不要误解妻子的这些行为，不要觉得她这是在拒绝你，她只是对正在经历的疼痛做出反应而已。



5. 为自己准备些东西




　　现在，准妈妈成了大家关注的中心，但作为准爸爸，你也有可能需要在医院过夜，陪伴妻子。所以，别忘了给自己准备一些要用的东西。你应该带上：干净的衬衣、舒适的鞋、够你吃饱的点心（注意不要带有浓烈气味的食品！）。如果准妈妈选择了水中分娩，你还可以带上泳裤以便陪产。



6. 多多提问




　　按道理，医生们应该向你们解释他们在做什么，以及这么做的原因，但并不是所有的医生都会解释。因此，不管是关于医疗方案方面的问题，还是使准妈妈更加舒服的方法，你都不要因为不好意思而不去问医生，特别是有的准妈妈在这时候很不想自己提问，你就更需要主动了。



7. 作她的好帮手




　　只有你和你的爱人最清楚你们自己的需要，但你的妻子此刻显然不适合做出各种决策。如有必要，准爸爸要随时做好一切准备：你可能要去叫医生护士来查看妻子的情况，要去办理各种手续，或者去打壶开水。另外，如果你的妻子打算进行母乳喂养，你还需要和医生护士确认，宝宝一出生后她就有机会喂奶，最后，要确保有人能帮助妻子解决随时可能出现的问题。



8. 帮她集中注意力，放松身体




　　在妻子需要的时候，帮助她采取各种减痛措施，别忘了利用那些在产前辅导课中或书本上所学到的知识。比如，建议妻子换个姿势，或帮助她寻找一种宫缩时能让她转移注意力的方法，比如和她一起调整呼吸，说些安慰的话，或给她做脚部按摩。当她开始觉得又熬不过去时，你就重复这一套办法帮她坚持下去。



9. 清楚自己的能力




　　产房是个紧张忙碌的地方。如果你能进入产房陪产，准爸爸要很清楚哪些是自己能做的，哪些是应该让医护人员去处理的。不要大惊小怪，也不要随便乱说乱动，放心让医护人员做他们的工作，你只需要集中精力安抚准妈妈的情绪就好了。



10. 只要你在场 ！




　　生活中有些时候，你“在场”比做什么都重要。妻子分娩，就是这样的时刻。虽然你得让医务人员来对付所有的状况，但只要你在场就管用！而且，不论你现在的真实感受是什么，都要做出一付充满信心和镇定的样子，对妻子说：“你做得真棒！一切都进展顺利！”等度过这个艰难时刻，你会有时间让自己放松下来的。

岁月山林

Best wishes!

一杯清茶

做好准备，真是个好爸爸。

戈壁胡杨

zhangyl正在变成准爸爸？孩子出生前不断祈求：不论男女，只要是个身体健全的；孩子出生之后祈求：眼、耳别出问题；一年左右会问：何时会走路？一岁半时会问：何时会说话？3岁时会问：怎么比他小的孩子打他，他却只是躲避、哭，而不会回击别人？上幼儿园了会问：我的孩子胆小，会不会有别的孩子欺负他；.....在不断关心孩子的过程中，你会越来越爱你的孩子，会为他牺牲一切，包括你的生命。

liedetection

学习了